Ranting Ralph and Eclectic Elias blurb about the summer’s most controversial and talked about events.
Get off that stuff man!
This summer, Los Angeles cocaine dealers ran into a bit of a problem when their buyers skin became blackened in certain areas, and in some instances fell off. Speculations indicate the cause could be traced to the impact the recession has had on drug-dealers, forcing them to cut their drugs with levamisole, a chemical used to deworm live stock. Others speculate drug dealers thought they were selling cocaine to cows. No official statement has been released yet from the black market.—Rafael Tur
Casey Anthony Walks
“The OJ of our time”, as everyone is calling this case. But how guilty was OJ? Well, according to the American judicial system and the evidence he was in fact, in the words of a Black Sabbath song, “Guilty as Hell.” An exhausted age-old story of betrayal, a crime of passion, wasn’t it? Nonetheless, he walked. Ms.Anthony on the other hand walked free from a case no one understood. She was indeed the prime and conspicuous suspect in the case involving her murdered 2-year-old daughter. The “I didn’t notice my daughter was gone” excuse only gave the public more reason to find her guilty in their minds. Guilty of at least child neglect, Anthony was acquitted on murder charges and found guilty of only lying to investigators.—R.T.
Chris Hansen: To Catch A Cheater
The popular TV host of the show “To catch a predator” Chris Hansen was caught on camera sharing a romantic evening with a lovely young woman by the National Enquirer. The woman was not his wife. There is quite a bit to say about this story, but I think the scenario speaks for itself.—R.T.
CDC Warns Of Zombie Apocalypse
On May 16, 2011 the Center for Disease Control released an online announcement telling the general public to be ready for a possible Zombie apocalypse. Now I’m a huge zombie fan, I’ve played all the video games from the Resident Evil series to the Left 4 Dead series, and you know what I noticed? People in those games had no freaking idea what a zombie was, nor did they know how to deal with them (head shots people, remember it). After some research, I found out that the CDC wasn’t actually telling people to be ready for a zombie invasion, but they were using zombies as a clever publicity stunt to inform the masses to be ready for hurricane season and other natural disasters. I for one applaud the CDC for using their head on this one.—Elias Cruz
Imagine for a moment how many times a week you use the 826, or the Palmetto for those of you who don’t read signs. Now imagine that Miami-Dade County closed it for 53 hours to install a carpool lane. That is exactly what happened this July in Los Angeles. No, Los Angeles didn’t shut down the Palmetto, they shut down what is widely considered the busiest freeway in LA, the 405. You’d think this would cause mass chaos, but it didn’t. Now as much as I love my city, and I do, I really have no hope of this ever happening, mainly because at the end of the 53 hours there would have been more accidents on 8th St, Bird Road, and Kendall Drive combined, than happen on the Palmetto in a month. At this point all I ask is that they finish I-95. We all know that the I stands for incomplete, but come on people, finish it already.—E.C.