From Russia With No Love For Putin

My birth certificate says St. Petersburg, Russia and I’ve always been proud of that. However, on my side of the Pacific Ocean I don’t seem to recognize home anymore.

As a naturalized citizen of the United States since I was eight, I remember the rich architecture, culture and the close-knit family lifestyle. I’m proud of coming from a country that is fat with history and pulchritude. However, the people and economy in my country is suffering now, and Vladimir Putin, Russia’s president since 2012, is taking selfies as a means to fix all that.

The other day I spoke to my ill grandmother over the phone and I asked her how things were in Russia and her reply echoed in my head: “Terrible,” she said.

She explained how medication prices increased and how her retirement plan included a Thank You card and a bag of peanuts. Who’s to blame for this?

Vladimir Putin.

I call him Vlad the Idiot at the helm on his make-believe throne.

“Hey, Vlad!” Why are you alienating the upper and the lower classes while milking dry the middle-class? My grandmother is saving up her pennies instead of knitting for her grandchildren and that’s a big problem because I like my knitted sweaters, Vlad. I really…really…like them.

Vlad you are a fool.  

You blew $51 billion of the nation’s money on the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic Games. Vlad you took away from the famished and the hard-working to spend on the Olympics? What is the matter with you?

What will you do next, Vlad? Take more money from your countrymen and get a Kim Kardashian behind? The nation is withering and you, Vlad, you prioritize on cleansing the nation of homosexuality and popularizing the nation with the Sochi games?

New Year’s and Christmas are holidays where my family creates red signs saying “No Vlad” with pride. New Year’s is vital to Russians. They decorate Christmas trees, eat, give gifts and stay up all night piss-drunk appreciating the company of their friends and family.

Until some Putin lover brings wine to the table with Putin’s face on it, Vlad is forgotten by the people during the holidays. He is too busy taking bathroom selfies and flying in private jets to care.